It was mid December 1956 and we were just about at the end of our 16 weeks basic training at 64 Trg Regt RA at Park hall Camp Oswestry,
We were now deemed "Efficient" and with our new efficiency, we were more relaxed, sometimes we were relaxed too much.
We particularly enjoyed chatting to the coalman, a rare contact with the outside world, whenever he parked outside our hut after breakfast whilst he waited to deliver his load to the high wired compound next door.
It was cold and coal had become of consuming interest now that we could light the the stoves instead of merely polishing them, not that they burned too long on the small bucketful of fuel that we were issued with each day, but we chatted at length to the coalman before the parade instead of shining our two barrack rooms; and that day the BC chose to make a surprise inspection; and he was not happy so he told the BSM; and the BSM not happy; and the BSM was not happy so he told the troop Sergeant; and the troop Sergeant was not happy so he tore the shreds off
our two Bombardier instructors, long since nicknamed Cain and Able, who lived in the bunk rooms at the end of our two huts - and they were very, very unhappy men indeed.
We returned at lunchtime to find a notice prominently displayed outside our room, it wa written in rather strong language.
Cain and Able expressed their unhappiness vividly, they indicated that our rooms (pictured below)
had not been left in the condition they would have expected, they had been let down badly. They were therefore giving a full inspection that evening, the rooms would be immaculate our kit would be immaculate, our turn out would be immaculate and if anybody had a hollow tooth then the interior of that tooth would be immaculate. Christmas decorations were banned, if everything was not immaculate various unpleasant things would happen to us, involving distasteful suggestions relating to guts and other anatomical parts that made medieval visions of hell look like a vicarage tea party.
The world was suddenly not such a cheerful and festive place, panic struck us. We worked feverishly, we refolded our boxed blankets to the precise measurement of the set Regimental pattern. We laid out our washing kit with our razors surgically clean, we re-polished the brasses on our packs and pouches and placed them on the tops of our lockers. We took out all our articles of clothing from the lockers and and re-folded them and ironed them and lined them up precisely on each shelf.
We dusted the bed springs below and the wooden beams above, we shone the door handles and the brass radiator fittings and we polished the windows, we buffed the floorboards so that they gleamed, we chased and caught the last tiny piece of blanket fluff and we bulled our boots and belts and brushed our berets and we ....
The door crashed open, "stand by your beds" Room "Shun" our two Bombardiers stormed in with a third in tow, he was a particularly humorless NCO belonging to another Troop, one whom we all tried to avoid. We leapt to the ends of our beds, rigidly standing to attention, eyes fixed, ears alert. I was half way down the room opposite the one unoccupied bed space, they started on the end man on my side, Cain gave him a cap badge to toe-cap inspection front and back; Able went through his kit and humorless stood on his immaculate bed to feel for dust on the beams.
"Stand still" stand still! your berets filthy! this mug has not been washed for weeks, look at it! what's this on my finger? I cant hear you, say it louder!! yes its dust from the back of your locker, its filth! you live in filth you are a disgusting animal!! They moved on, the second and third men had their packs thrown out of the window, I was told to take off my web belt and remove the brasses, there was trace of brasso in the inside crease of one brass and I was berated as disgusting.
They continued with their mayhem down one side then came back up the other, kit was hurled about, we were all a disgrace to the Regiment. We were all "filthy" and "verminous".
They arrived at the unoccupied bed opposite me and inspected it minutely, we had anticipated this and every ledge and every bed spring shone spotlessly, I stared glassily to the front, eyes focused on a know hole in the wall, humorless moved into my line of vision "empty bed space is it?"
"Yes
Bombardier"
"then why has the steel locker got a padlock on it?"
"the door swings open and spoils the appearance of the room during inspections Bombardier" their was a pause.
"so where's the key?"
"I have a spare padlock, so I put it on for inspection Bombardier" Bombardier Cain asked someone to do it Bombardier!! That's true interjected Cain but humorless was staring at me fixedly and unhearing.
! I didn't ask whose effing padlock it was, I don't care if its the effing Master Gunners padlock, I want the effing key so as I can see if its effing filthy inside like the rest of this effing hut, so give me the effing key!
he concluded with a flourish.
I had feared this, Cain and able would never have bothered, I produced the key and rather more rigidly stared at my knot hole. The atmosphere in the hut was electric, Humorless wrenched off the padlock and heaved the door open.......
There was a fractional pause and then the hundredweight of coal from the back of the coal truck cascaded over his boots, "bloody hell" I could not restrain a grin, I could just see Cain's mouth twitch and that didn't help, Humorless and Abel were nose to nose with me, purple faced and roaring "stand still, stop laughing, take that bloody grin off your face"
Humorless looked as if he was going to have a fit, Abel took over, "what the hell,s this then?"
"coal Bombardier"
"of course its bloody coal, I can see its bloody coal, I'm not a bloody idiot... and if you cant take that stupid grin off your face you'll be in the guardroom so fast your feet wont touch the ground, now where's this coal come from?"
"Its War department coal, Bombardier, it was found outside the coal compound this morning, following your instructions on our responsibilities towards War department property the troop put it under lock and key to await your instructions"
Abel pondered for a moment "Are you telling me this coal has not been nicked from the compound"
"It has not been nicked from inside the compound Bombardier, I was not present myself but it was found by other members of the troop lying unsupervised outside the compound Bombardier" (this was arguably true because I was one of those distracting the driver at the front while the others were removing a sack from the back)
The Bombardiers went into a huddle, Humorless wasn't too happy as his bunk was in another hut and was not warmed by the stoves in ours, Cain and Able's bunks on the other hand were in our hut and they could see some advantage, Abel returned to my fixed line of sight.
"Stealing coal
is a serious offence" I started to speak, "shut up and face the front!" I resumed my blank expression, "by rights I could have every one of you on a charge but your nearly at the end of your training..." there was a pause , "and its nearly Christmas" he was desperately trying to justify himself, "so we shall not inspect that locker do you understand?" that locker will not and never has been inspected, do you understand?"
" yes Bombardier "
" and if you bloody grin again you'll be on jankers all over Christmas "
" yes Bombardier ! thank you Bombardier"
" don't thank me you've nothing to thank me for have you ? "
"no Bombardier"
They went to the door "Room...fall out ! and get that bloody mess cleared up! NOW !!
we scampered to sweep up the coal and light the stove, we hugged ourselves quietly, we were beginning to understand the Army and its ways...............................
